Nine months have gone by so quickly. How could our baby girl be that old already? I cannot even try to put into words how our lives have changed. First off I have really had to look at my self and dig deep into my soul to know that this journey was meant for our family. It was not some sort of punishment, it was nothing I did or didn't do. God lives! He loves me, He loves our family and He knows what we need and what we can handle. I can say that the past nine months I have never felt more sad, more frustrated and sometimes very alone. On the flip side I have never felt Heaven closer, I have never felt Gods hand so close, so loved and so in awe of people. My heart has been broken and then mended by the tender mercies of my Savior. When I say it was broken is not because I was sad about having BrynnLe. I never really thought I would have a daughter, but when I found out that we were going to welcome a girl into our crazy family my heart was full of joy. I felt as if I was joining some kind of secret club that I was not privy to before. I thought of all the fun things we would do and of course the fun clothes, hair bows and shoes! My heart broke when Eric and I had a confirmation that she has Down Syndrome. It broke for me and for her too! I thought how fair is this that she wont be able to do things that I had dreamed for her. It broke for how she may be treated, it pained me to think of anyone ever harming her or calling her a name...and being mean to her for being different. I wish I could say that I don't ever cry about all of this, but I still do. I don't often, but I still do mourn some. But then I think I do that for all my kids...they all have struggles and they all have had heart ache and will have many more challenges to come. So, what can I do about having a daughter with down syndrome? I can love her. I can give her the best life possible. I can adore her. I can spoil her. I can treat her like my other kids. I can expect great things from her. I can play with her. I can shop with her. I can dress her up and put huge bows in her hair! I can paint her nails. I can share her with the world. I can make sure she knows she is a daughter of God, that she is of royal birth and that she is amazing! I can teach her to be kind and accepting of others. I can show her a world where differences are accepted. I could go on and on, but I think you get the drift! I have also had to learn that not all people are accepting of change or things that are different. Down Syndrome was something I really knew nothing about, I didn't know anyone with Down Syndrome. Now that it is part of my life there is not a day that I am not thinking about it and how to spread the word. It is nothing to be scared of, nothing to be ashamed of and nothing that you can "catch"! I feel it is my mission to help others know what a wonderful world is out there and how differences make the world the amazing place that it is. Some people still don't want anything to do with us...I think they may be scared of what to say or not say. The worst part it that not saying anything to me is hurtful and I would rather answer questions and educate others then have them pull away. I know my life has changed as well as others, life is full of changes. I welcome them. I welcome the new adventures. I love my family and I love my kids. I have missed Eric so much these past two weeks. My parents also left on their mission at the same time...this is the first time I have just felt all alone in a long time. It has been nice to be busy with Ski Program and with Young Womens. I have a few more weeks and then things will settle down. I can do hard things and I really am blest with great kids! I think another reason for my emotions today is... Robert turns 14 tomorrow and I cannot believe that! I still remember the day before becoming a mother. there is something special about your first child, you don't love them more, but they are the ones who made you parents for the very first time. Robert has been a joy and light in our lives. He really is an amazing older brother. It has been fun to see him become so soft around the edges with BrynnLe. He is her protector and she is his soft spot. Don't mess with her or you will deal with him...and his brothers. Before I know it he will be gone and I will miss him so much. It is hard to alway enjoy the teen years and I am sure some days I will be ready for him to leave. But most days I just love that kid! He has a drive to do good, be good and to try hard at all he does. He is a good friend and a great brother.

He will die if he ever sees the pig tail picture...but I love his smile in it!

Six months ago Eric and were in the hospital awaiting the arrival of our first and last! Our first little girl and our last child, making us the parents of 5! It had been about 5 years since we had been in this situation at the hospital. It think your body and mind forget how it is to give birth, until you are in the hospital! I had given birth 4 times before, been induced each time, some with epidurals and some natural births! This time was different, not only because we were having a girl, but this time we were being induced three weeks early.

Our first moments with BrynnLe were a little scary. The entire labor and delivery were very surreal. I just remember thinking that something was not right...it was not like the other times. Was it because I was so excited about having a girl? Was it because I was sad about this being the last time that I get to bring a sweet spirit straight from heaven? I didn't know. Something was just off. Looking back I was being prepared and I didn't really see or recognize the tender mercies that were happening all around me. I was being induced due to my advanced maternal age and the fact that her kidneys were swollen and the umbilical cord herniated. With those three factors the dr. felt it was best to induce and be able to take care of her outside of the womb. My body was not ready to go into labor so I had to use the Folley method and the Dr. said it would take about 12 hours to dilate at all! That was not the case, with in two hours I was ready to have my water broken! A bit later I was ready for an epidural, having gone natural with Abraham I didn't want to do it again! Things went pretty quickly after that, BrynnLe came out blue! She was quiet and blue! I was freaking out inside! I had been really nervous the entire time, but I held it together. Finally she made a little cry and they took her from me...it seemed like forever before I got her back in my arms. The nurses had to suction out her lungs and were rubbing her rather harshly to get some color in her. She was on oxygen for a few moments and then they gave her to me! She was perfect. Our last little one was here and I felt complete. I felt her strong spirit, her amazingly strong spirit. I knew then that everything was going to be fine! She met her brothers, who adored her and wanted nothing else but to hold and love her. She had over 20 visitors at the hospital. Then she was given a label....she has down syndrome. WHAT??? What did the DR. just say? My head was spinning and spinning. Looking back I know that all my uneasy feelings were small hints of what was to come. Eric and I kept that label to ourselves, with the exception of family until we had the results back. Even then we shared it with close friends, I didn't want her to grow up with a label. I had to sort out my feelings before I could share her with the world. I had to mourn the loss of the little girl I thought I was having. There were many emotions and confusion in my head. It took me a few good cries and then I was ready to share her.

Six months ago today my life was changed for the better. Six months ago our world was made better. I have learned more about myself, about my family, my boys, and who my real friends are. Some friends have gone by the wayside, and new ones have filled my heart! I have meet so many amazing people in this short six months. Our family is part of a world that we never were before! I cannot imagine my life without BrynnLe. I am so thankful each day for the things I am learning. I am thankful for a softened heart. I take joy in the little things in life. I know there are tough times ahead for us. I know that not all is going to be easy, but nothing ever has been. I still cry, I still mourn my loss and I think parts of me always will. I mourn the friends who have chosen to pull away. Sometimes I feel alone. But then I look around at my dear family and see that they are all I need. They fill my heart with happiness. Life is short and I hope I can always look back and recognize the tender mercies. I have an angle with me, BrynnLe is amazing! Six months ago my life was not quiet, but it was not complete. My life is full. My life is crazy, it is one full of love and admiration for all of my children. Down Syndrome will not define BrynnLe!

The Middle School had spirit week and one day was geek day... I tried to get Robert to wear his hair like this, but he would not do it! Then I realized he really needed his hair cut if he could wear it in a pig tail! Kamren and Robert did dress up, I don't think Robert lasted the entire day before rolling his pants down and taking off the glasses. Just some cute pictures of Kamren and David with BrynnLe, they sure love their sister. And then, how did Robert get old enough to shave? I don't like this getting older deal. He is a young man and I am not ready for this. I am not ready for him to grow up! On the other hand it is so fun to have them getting older and seeing how they interact with their younger siblings. The first thing they all do when they come home from school is hold and play with BrynnLe. It is so amazing how much one little tiny girl has changed our family. I am one lucky momma!

Abraham thought it would be fun and a great idea to play in the fire pit! He colored most of the castle rock black and as you can see he had fun coloring himself! He is sure a child who is curious and loves to see what he can do! I just had to laugh at him. Look at that cute little face.

Crazy summer nights!

This summer has just gone by so quickly. Maybe because we had a baby. Maybe because we have 5 kids now! Maybe because we are just so busy running around like crazy. The older boys have had a crazy summer...wrestling camp, regional wrestling, football camp, spring football, baseball for David, swim team for Kamren and now we start swim lessons with David and Abraham. Plus scouts and church callings. How do you slow down when you have 5 kids? What do you cut out? We want active children, but if each one is involved in one activity that adds up to most nights being filled. I am not complaining. I love that they want to be active and involved in everything! It is fun to see the boys grow into themselves and find their place. It is so fun to watch them play and participate in sports and scouts. Life is great! I love having the boys and all their friends over. I love summer! I am so sad it is over half gone. I love night games at our house with all the crazy noise and the hungry kids! They floated the ditch last week at night and they wanted hot cocoa...in this heat wave it was odd making hot cocoa! I love summer!